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Basic Toilet Humor

Restroom comedy has long been the safe haven in everyday journalism, and we are always mindful to significant toilet tales and milestones, especially in relation to football. Readers were entertained to find out that a prominent writer a famous broadcaster possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs at his home. Reflect for a moment for the Barnsley fan who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and had to be saved from a deserted Oakwell post-napping in the lavatory midway through a 2015 losing match by Fleetwood. “His footwear was missing and misplaced his cellphone and his headwear,” explained an official from the local fire department. And everyone remembers at the pinnacle of his career with Manchester City, Mario Balotelli visited a nearby college for toilet purposes in 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, before entering and requesting the location of the toilets, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking around the college grounds acting like the owner.”

The Restroom Quitting

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century since Kevin Keegan stepped down from the England national team after a brief chat inside a lavatory booth alongside FA executive David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback against Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. As Davies remembers in his diary, his confidential FA records, he stepped into the wet troubled England locker room directly following the fixture, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams motivated, both of them pleading for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies found him slumped – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – in the dressing room corner, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where could we possibly locate for confidential discussion?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The locker room? Packed with upset players. The bathing section? I couldn't conduct an important discussion with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Just a single choice remained. The restroom stalls. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history happened in the old toilets of an arena marked for removal. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I closed the door after us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘You cannot persuade me,’ Kevin stated. ‘I’m out of here. I’m not up to it. I'll inform the media that I'm not adequate. I'm unable to energize the team. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

Therefore, Keegan stepped down, subsequently confessing he considered his stint as England manager “soulless”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I struggled to occupy my time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's an extremely challenging position.” Football in England has advanced considerably in the quarter of a century since. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley toilets and those two towers are long gone, whereas a German currently occupies in the dugout where Keegan once perched. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football acts as a memory that circumstances weren't consistently this positive.

Real-Time Coverage

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for women's football cup news regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Quote of the Day

“We stood there in a lengthy line, in just our underwear. We represented Europe's top officials, elite athletes, role models, mature people, mothers and fathers, resilient characters with strong principles … however all remained silent. We scarcely made eye contact, our gazes flickered a bit nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a freezing stare. Quiet and watchful” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson reveals the humiliating procedures officials were once put through by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What’s in a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists titled ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to take care of the first team. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles.

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and awarded some merch, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his decision to join Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|